To Friend or To End? The Tier System
Two Old Bitches invite you into our ongoing debates about navigating the complex terrain of friendship.
Joanne took this photo on Park Avenue, New York City.
What if you had a simple guide to help you to decide whether to end a relationship with a friend? Or relieve your obsessions about whether a particular person causes you more grief than joy? Or resolve your mixed feelings about whether you give more than you get from a particular relationship?
Friendships are complicated. They require work. We need them, we love them, we are angered and insulted by them, we lose them, we make them, we forsake them. Friends help us get through the worst of times and can abandon us when we need them most. They bring us untold joy and endless heartache. As we get older — and especially among women — they become more important than ever: in one study of 280,000 older adults, researchers found that friendships are a stronger predictor of health and happiness than relationships with family members. That might be why groups like Friends Over 50, started by Dale Pollekoff when she moved to Los Angeles at 71, grew to 800 members in less than 3 years.
But all friendships are not equal. How do you know when or if it’s time to break up?
It was 40 years ago — when questions of this type were raging for one of us (Joanne) — that she created “The Tier System.” Joanne loves talking about it so much and believes so deeply that it can help others to sort out messy relationships, that she interviewed herself about The Tier System for this article.
Question: What led you to create The Tier System to organize your friendships?
I’m so glad you asked! It was 1982 and I was driving to Vermont with one of my best friends, Robert Mashburn, and we were kvetching about an irritating friend. The night before, we’d all gone to a comedy club together and our friend started heckling the comedian, told the woman next to us to ‘shut up’, and tried to kiss the waiter. He behaved abominably. And, yet, at a certain point, Robert looked at me and said, “Let’s be honest. We’ll always be friends with him. He’s part of our family.” It was then that we developed the 3 tiers of The Tier System.
Question: Tell us about the 3 Tiers of Friends
Tier 3 is the space for those people who you’ve met casually and/or briefly and you had a special rapport. You don’t know them well, but you’re always happy to see them. You’re curious about who they are. They could become good friends. Or not. Either way is OK. You might never see them again, and that’s fine. You might see them occasionally when circumstance allows, and that’s fine too.
Tier 2 friends are people who you know well, you might see frequently or every day, and you might appear to others as the closest of friends. But there is something that prevents you from feeling deeply intimate with them. It could be trust, it could be personal differences or preferences, but it’s more likely just a chemistry that defies explanation.
Here’s the thing about Tier 2 people. If you start having questions about whether a friendship with them takes more energy than it produces, it’s easy to just let the friendship go. If there’s a blow-up between you and you stop speaking, if you move to different places, or if circumstances take you into different worlds, there’s very little emotional skin to be lost. You might miss them initially, but fundamentally your life will be fine without them.
Tier 1 are the people who — whether you see them regularly or only every 30 years — you share some intimate, profound territory with and from which there is no return. They occupy a place in your life that is unique. They can irritate you, infuriate you, disappoint you, but they are yours. You’re blessed with them and stuck with them. My friend Janice describes it as being from your planet. Losing that friendship would leave a gaping hole: not in your social life, but in your whole life.
Once you realize someone is Tier 1, it takes away a lot of the agony about whether to break up or not. If a Tier 1 friend is asking more of you than you think you’re prepared to give, stop agonizing and just give. Or don’t and deal with their fury; they’re Tier 1 so eventually all will resolve. Whether they sleep with your partner (as I once did with a Tier 1 friend’s partner), forget to pick you up after your colonoscopy (as one of my Tier 1 friends did), or read your private journals, they’ve made it into the Tier and will always be there. They stick to you like Styrofoam. You give them the benefit of the doubt, turn the other cheek and shower them with love. They are Tier 1.
And here’s one thing to know about The Tier System. Tier 3 is the land of possibility and Tier 2 is the tier-of-no-return. Your friends can jump from Tier 3 to either Tier 2 or Tier 1. But you can never jump from Tier 2 to Tier 1 or back to Tier 3. You can disappear from Tier 2, but there is no pathway from it to any other tier.
Question: Isn’t it a bit creepy to sort your friends into tiers? How do you actually use your system?
I’ve been using it for 40 years (Robert died, very sadly, in 1995, so is not around to contribute to its evolution, which is a huge loss!). I’ve shared it with scores of people all over the world, and we’ve argued its merits and demerits. It’s particularly helpful if you’re agonizing about how much to invest in a relationship. Tier 1 people get your complete and unabridged lovingkindness, no matter what.
Oh, and one more thing. Never, ever engage in Tier Talk:
Never tell people what tier they’re in for you and never ask them what tier they’ve assigned you. And, of course, you never tell people which tiers you’ve assigned to others.
One reason to avoid Tier Talk is that — while it is less frequent — you can be a Tier 1 to somebody who is a Tier 2 to you or vice versa. It happens. Don’t sweat it. And don’t probe it. It’s one of those things that are better not to know.
Question: Isn’t your system static? How can it be that once you designate someone a Tier 1 or Tier 2, they can never change tiers?
Ahhh…. This is the question that my friend Kham asks incessantly. What sometimes changes about Tiers 1 and 2 is that you might inaccurately categorize someone as the wrong Tier. And then you realize it and — voila! — the ecosystem adjusts itself. You have to work with the Tier System and adjust it to your own needs. I have one friend who has adapted it and has four tiers. I have another friend who has five tiers that have completely different qualities than my system. The point is to have the riches, deepest, best and most magical friendships you possibly can.
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Friendships are a theme threading through so many of our conversations with older women on Two Old Bitches, and one that we explored joyously in our conversation on the awesome podcast, Call Your Girlfriend. And you, readers? What’s your reaction to The Tier System? Useful, pointless, or confusing? Do you have your own ‘tier’ systems or other ways of navigating the complex territory of friendship? As the season of giving is upon us, how about giving these Two Old Bitches some of your most provocative insights on friendship?
